Lesson 4: Friendships Across Cultures
Navigating misunderstandings between cross-cultural friendships
Welcome to Lesson Four of Cultural Intelligence 101: Friendships Across Cultures. This lesson will explore how losing my friends showed me how cultural contexts and trust-building are important in maintaining cross-cultural friendships and trust. By the end of this lesson, you will learn how to view and approach cultural misunderstandings.
My Story: Halloween Ruined My Friendships
When I was an international student at Zhejiang University, I was part of a close-knit group of fellow international students from Spain. We studied together, went out on weekends, and did everything as a group. When Halloween came, I was excited to share the "American Halloween experience" with them, complete with costumes and treats—an idea we had planned and discussed for weeks. However, on the night of the party, one of my friends arrived early, saying they would check on another friend nearby and would be back shortly with the rest of the group. But after an hour of waiting, I realized they wouldn't be returning, and no one else was coming.
When I finally went to the agreed-upon second location, I found all of them celebrating without me. I felt hurt. The next day, I distanced myself, needing time to heal my feelings and hoping they would understand my frustration. Unfortunately, the opposite happened—they also started to distance themselves from me. By the end of the year, our friendship had completely dissolved, and we never resolved the issues between us. Let's explore what might have happened.
Understanding Cultural Contexts
Cultural context greatly influences how we communicate and interact with others. In my experience with my friends, I was unaware that our cultural perspectives and expectations within our friendship would lead to such a misunderstanding.
For example, my perspective is influenced by U.S. culture, which values direct communication, punctuality, and reliability. When I make plans, I stick to them or communicate any changes to avoid appearing rude. So, when my friends missed my gathering and didn't provide an update, I couldn't help but feel like they didn't value my time.
On the other hand, my classmates come from a Spanish cultural background, where social plans tend to be more relaxed. They see spontaneity and adjusting plans as normal parts of life, not something to take personally. To them, the importance of our relationship is the time spent together, not the obligation to attend a party.
Building Trust Across Cultures
My interpretation of my classmate's actions made me pull back emotionally because I no longer felt I could rely on them. But from their perspective, they viewed my avoidance as a rejection of the group, leading to a breakdown in trust on both sides. Trust is the foundation of every relationship, but how it's built varies across cultures. In some cultures, trust is built through consistency and reliability (like showing up when you say you will), while in others, it's built through maintaining group harmony and being present.
Building trust and cross-cultural relationships requires cultural intelligence and adaptability. This experience taught me that misinterpretations are inevitable, but the key to overcoming them is approaching them with curiosity and open communication.
How has your culture influenced a misunderstanding?
I'd love to hear about your experiences! Share your story in the comments.
See you next week for Lesson 5: Global Citizenship and Ethical Engagement